Grief and the Holidays

Other than in Charlie Brown cartoons, is there such a thing as good grief? Especially at this pre-holiday time of year, coping with the loss of a loved one is painfully difficult.   What might assist in coping? Which actions and expectations give more harm than help?

“Our family tradition is to have everyone at our house. But now with Frank gone, I’m conflicted.”

“Thanksgiving will never be the same without my sister.  Maybe just skip it this year?“

“The first Christmas without our daughter was torture.  I still can’t enjoy Christmas decorations.”

“I am not crying that much, because I know my spouse is no longer suffering. Some days I wonder when my missing him will hit me hard.”

What is Normal?

After a death, individual responses and coping methods are as varied as personalities.  Anger, relief, depression, postponing decisions, changing habits/lifestyle little by little, wanting to avoid people, wishing to be surrounded by friends or family, keeping traditions the same or not at all are included in the list of normal reactions.  That’s the one good thing regarding dealing with grief—unless the person has overwhelming mental health issues (which would require professional help), all of the above responses are OK. Just noting the normalness of the range and variety of emotions is reassuring to those on a grief journey.

Follow Whose Advice?

I have been privileged to facilitate a grief support* group at our church. Participants are encouraged when learning others are going through similar ups and downs and disconcerting experiences (“A certain smell made me think she was in the room!”). Challenges come up when friends and family have “advice” or expectations that the grieving individual feels an obligation (but doesn’t want) to follow.  Often, the suffering person is torn between pleasing others and taking however long they need to reply or act. Statements such as, “You should be able to move on by this time. We will plan on you coming to our party” and an ill-timed, “God works all things for good. Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings.” produces false guilt, confusion or self-doubt. Patient grievers will ask the Lord’s help to forgive their self appointed advisers, and then assertively contemplate their preferences.  It’s important to not extend one’s self by keeping rituals (sending cards, entertaining, shopping, baking, etc.) that overwhelm. Setting activity limiting goals is healthy at any time of year. Give yourself, or whomever is grieving, permission to do so.

A Memorial Tradition

Many families find comfort in starting a new holiday tradition that honors their loved one(s) in heaven. Ideas include: having an extra place setting at the dinner table,  creating an ornament that is a reminder of that person’s hobby or favorite colors, planting a live Christmas tree, baking and enjoying his favorite cookies, or wearing a clothing item that evokes a fun or comforting memory.  One family who dearly misses their dad and grandpa, told me they enjoy recalling and sharing his favorite sayings and jokes. A group of friends I know take an annual candle light walk through the woods to reflect and pray. No matter what kind of tradition is decided, it is important to acknowledge the loved one’s absence. Most likely, people are thinking about them, anyway.  

Grieving with Hope

Christians know the most critical and reliable way to deal with grief is to depend on the “man of sorrows”, our Savior Jesus who “has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows”.   (Isaiah 53:3-4)

In the midst of gut-wrenching loneliness, our empathetic Lord holds our hand.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Psalm 34:18

 When the pit of despair is so deep we fear a loss of faith, Jesus intercedes.  

The child’s father immediately cried out and said with tears, “I do believe. Help me with my unbelief!”  Mark 9:24

If God is for us, who can be against us? For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor rulers, neither things present nor things to come, nor powerful forces, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:31,38-39

When people say hurtful things or are afraid to say anything at all, there is the power of prayer and the healing of His Word to trust and proclaim.

May my loud cry come before you, Lord.  Give me understanding through your word. May my plea for mercy come before you. Deliver me according to your saying. May my lips overflow with praise, because you teach me your statutes. May my tongue sing of your saying, because all your commandments are righteousness.  Psalm 119: 169-172

When the devil tells a griever the pain will always be this intense, you deserve this suffering, and heaven cannot be counted on, tell him to go back to hell.   

Death, where is your sting? Grave, where is your victory? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! 1 Corinthians 15:55-57 

*The grief support materials I use and recommend for their Bible-based counsel and practical helps are available through www.griefshare.org and the booklet Grieving with Hope: Leaning on Jesus is available at www.CTAinc.com.