Managing Anger When You Have a Short Fuse

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. James 1:19-20

I have a short fuse. I’ve always known this about myself, even as a child I got frustrated easily. I grew up in the 80’s, and as far as I can recall, no one ever felt the need to educate children on the importance of labeling their feelings or learning to manage them. So I became an adult with a short fuse. 

Now that I’m a parent I’m much more aware of the importance of identifying feelings and helping my own children to work through big emotions and find ways to cope when the frustration builds. Because  I never learned how to do this myself – I’m often learning alongside my children. Since I have a short fuse, if it’s not put in check, it can easily turn into anger - and if we’re being honest, anger shows itself more often than I’d like to admit.

Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death. For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1-4

If you are like me and struggle with anger, I want you to know that Jesus does not want you to feel shame or guilt for your sin! While He does want us to humble ourselves and ask for forgiveness, the shame and the guilt are not from God. Satan wants us to feel ashamed so that we stay in that darkness, but God calls us to the light. The gospel allows us to shed light on the sin in our life, and then reassures us that exposing our sin for what it is doesn’t mean we are weak or that God isn’t pleased with us. Jesus took on that shame for us, He condemned sin so the requirements of the law have already been met. Thanks be to God that living according to the Spirit means that we can come before Jesus, admit that we can’t do this alone, and confidently accept His grace and His guidance. 

As I began to explore what was making me so mad, I learned that my anger stems from one of two things: unmet expectations and/or matters of inconvenience. Whether it be a child misbehaving in public or a driver cutting me off without using their blinker, it almost always comes down to my expectations not being met: child doesn’t behave according to the expectation I’ve set/I have set unrealistic expectations for the child, and in the case of the driver- I expect everyone to drive with the same rules/guidelines I do. These unmet expectations can lead to inconvenience if I need to leave with my child or I’m forced to slam on my brakes. There are also times I get angry that I’m embarrassed to admit- when I’m looking for a few moments of peace and get interrupted.  These times often involve me sitting down to drink a hot cup of coffee and someone starts crying or needs something. I often feel inconvenienced, even though no one has done anything wrong! There really have not been many scenarios that I’ve encountered where expectation and/or inconvenience haven’t been the trigger to my anger.

The “human anger” James refers to is selfish anger; anger that erupts because our egos are bruised, when we feel offended or neglected (NIV Life Application Study Bible). It’s no surprise to anyone that we live in an angry world. It is not uncommon to see people acting on their anger multiple times in any given day; however, the “righteousness that God desires” is how we respond to these human moments. As children of God we are to set ourselves apart from the world. James truly does give us the key to slowing our anger: being quick to listen (not just to others, but to God through His word and prayer) and slow to speak (yell/react/post).

When my child misbehaves I can hear them out and then discipline in love without getting angry and yelling. When a driver cuts me off I can respond in love without honking or shaking my fist at them. When a child would like another cup of juice I can respond yes or no without getting sarcastic or huffing and puffing because I just wanted more time for myself. 

When we feel ourselves getting angry (or after, if we’ve already expressed that anger) we can pause to ask ourselves: Have I actually been wronged or am I upset because I’m being inconvenienced? Is this selfish anger or righteous anger? Do I need to readjust my expectations in this situation? Taking time to pause, identify what is triggering the anger and simply praying, “God I need your wisdom” has helped me to put out my fuse before it blows. This takes time; it won’t happen overnight, but it can happen with intentional practice.

Psalm 1 helps us identify the differences between a follower of God and a follower of the world. Verse 2 tells us that the one whose delight is in the law of the Lord and who meditates on his law day and night is blessed. The word meditates isn’t meant to be mythical, but rather mental. Keeping our hearts and minds fixed on being the righteous and holy people God has called us to be simply can look like pausing and praying a short prayer, placing post-it note reminders for yourself in your home or car, keeping your Bible open to a specific verse that you can return to throughout your day or even asking someone to help keep you accountable. 

In my own life I know that human anger will likely be something I struggle with for the remainder of my days; however, knowing that my sin is atoned for helps me lay aside the shame and guilt and to move toward the person God has called me to be. Being able to recognize what triggers my anger and being intentional about meditating on God’s word/praying has helped me to not give into the temptations that feel good in the moment. If you find yourself struggling with anger (or any sin, really!), I hope you know you are not alone! My hope is that you would find time this week to sit with God and pray, listen to what He tells you in His word, and then choose to be intentional about your awareness and faithfulness to slow down and fight for the righteousness God desires.

*I truly believe God’s Word is the beginning of any transformation, but God also places wonderful resources in our lives that can offer additional support. If you feel you need support in the form of medication or therapy, please know that you are not alone and you should find supportive measures that work for your specific situation.