Doubtful Servant
I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s the stress of the pandemic catching up with me. Perhaps it’s that activities are resuming and my family and I are overscheduled. It might be some health challenges I’m facing. But lately, I haven’t exactly been myself.
More often than not, my attitude has trended towards negativity. My anxiety level is through the roof. And I often find myself doubting my ability to fulfill the roles God has placed me in as mother, wife, communications director, and friend. Honestly, I feel like nothing I do is enough.
Even though I haven’t exactly felt compelled to read God’s Word, I’ve still made a point of reading my Bible every day because I know the Holy Spirit will work in my heart through it. I recently read Acts 9, which tells the story of Saul’s conversion.
Later that evening, as I found myself facing yet another night of anxiety-filled tossing and turning, I thought about the Scripture I read before bed and prayed a simple prayer: God, show me how Your Word applies to me.
The person God wanted me to learn from in Acts 9 was not Saul, but Ananias. Ananias was the disciple whom God called to restore Saul’s sight and baptize him. However, Ananias had some reservations about the task God asks him to complete:
“Lord,” Ananias answered, “I have heard many reports about this man and all the harm he has done to your holy people in Jerusalem. And he has come here with authority from the chief priests to arrest all who call on your name.”
But the Lord said to Ananias, “Go! This man is my chosen instrument to proclaim my name to the Gentiles and their kings and to the people of Israel. I will show him how much he must suffer for my name.” (Acts 9: 13-16)
God’s request filled Ananias with anxiety. And for good reason! Saul was a known persecutor of Christians. Ananias’ livelihood and life were on the line if he did what God asked him to do.
Ananias isn’t the only reluctant servant we see in the Scriptures. Moses didn’t think he was a good enough speaker to approach Pharaoh. Elijah couldn’t see how he could survive Jezebel’s death threats and continue to be God’s prophet. Jonah was so against preaching God’s Word to the Ninevites that he ran the exact opposite direction from where God told him to go.
But God was with each of them as they did what He asked. Ananias restored Saul’s sight by the power of the Holy Spirit. God gave Moses his brother Aaron to speak for him. Elijah experienced God’s quiet presence as he was led to save a remnant of his people. And God used Jonah to save a whole city from certain destruction.
Through Ananias’ story, God taught me about His power and wisdom. He knows the whole scope of the plans He has for each of us as we share His good news with the world. Sometimes, God allows us to go through hard times. He asks us to do difficult things in His name. But He doesn’t leave us alone:
“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Each of us have varied, unique roles in God’s kingdom. And because we’re all imperfect, there will be times we’ll find ourselves doubting our ability to fulfill the roles God has placed us in. As we face these situations, we can look to God’s Word and read the story of Ananias or other reluctant servants to remember this: When we’re doing the work God calls us to do, we’re not alone. He is with us in all things. Always.